I just spent the last little bit reading everything I've written on this Vox blog. Some of it brought me to tears, because I ended up reliving some of the pain I've written about.
But mostly, I just feel... I don't know how to describe it. It doesn't seem, to me, that I've really grown or changed at all in the past year. That's pretty discouraging. I know that what I write about has changed. My writing style has changed. But have I?
I don't think so.
There's a fine line between desperation and desire. In the past, I've been desperate to leave my singleness behind me. Back then, I would have scoffed at the idea that I was desperate, but looking back, that's exactly what I was. I can remember reading a chick lit novel or watching a chick flick and just bursting into tears at the thought of my romance that never was. I wanted it so badly it hurt. Literally.
But as I've grown up and gotten wiser, I've grown more content with where I am in life. I've learned the hard way that I put my worth in the touch of a man and I shouldn't. I've learned that there are things that I need to do for the kingdom of God that I can better do as a single woman than I could with a man in my life.
Does that mean the desire for a life partner is gone? Absolutely not. That desire is part of who makes me Mandi Kaye. I know without a shadow of a doubt that one day, I will have the family that I long for. But until then, my calling is to do my best for God exactly the way I am.
That being said, I find it completely ironic that I've finally had a man declare his love for me. A man I don't want to be with (mainly because I don't find him to be a man, though he is 25 years old). I finally have the chance to go for the life I've wanted...except I don't want to. At least, not with him. There was a time I would have gladly jumped at the chance to be with him forever, but too much has happened between us in the last year. And I don't want to settle. I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship (which, by the way, is a defining characteristic in the difference between desire and desperation).
At night, my resolve falters because that's when I'm home alone with nothing but a bowl of ice cream and either a good book or the remote. I think to myself, it would be so nice to have someone--anyone--to cuddle with right now. And I'm tempted to call him. But I don't. Because I know that in the morning, I would regret it. I know that I would be using him and leading him to believe he could have something with me that I have no intention of giving him.
So I won't settle. Not even when I desire the kind of companionship that is being offered.
I watched an incredible movie last night. I read Bridge to Terabithia when I was in the 6th grade, and all I could remember from the book was that it made me cry. I had no idea why, because I honestly couldn’t remember anything from the plot. I just remembered that Katherine Paterson was an incredible author and that her books had won several awards.
So I sat down last night to watch this movie, knowing that it would probably make me cry. It didn’t disappoint. I won’t give anything away, but it was very well done.
The story itself is about self-descovery and friendships and imagination.
Jess is a loner from a rural family with 5 kids - 4 of them girls. He’s the fastest runner in his class, until the new girl, Leslie, shows up. But eventually an unlikely friendship begins, and Leslie introduces Jess to the wonderful world of the imagination. She teaches him that he doesn’t have to be alone, and if he can dream it, it can happen.
Katherine Paterson said that she wrote this book in an effort to explain the unexplainable. The topics of family, self-esteem, and grief are all explored very deeply and in a very real way. I definitely encourage anyone to watch this movie.
Another of Ted Dekker’s novels has been adapted to the big screen. The movie version of House is set to be released in October. I’m thrilled! I’ve been a huge fan of Ted Dekker for years - I think he is easily the best Christian fiction author out there. House is a joint collaboration between Dekker and Frank Peretti, and is, to me, reminiscent of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yes, it’s Christian and horror all at the same time, but it works. I love the tag line…
“The only way out…is in.”
I do hope this movie is better than the movie version of THR3E...I was somewhat disappointed in that one, even though it starred Marc Blucas (Riley from Buffy).
I also know that Ted Dekker has gotten a lot of flak for his writing because it is so dark and just plain weird. But Ted does what no other author does as well…he takes the unseen and makes it seen. His books are filled with darkness, but in the end the light always shows up.
View the trailer:
Here’s an interview he did that explains his writing so much better than I could:
It's a bittersweet ending. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows exceeded my expectations. It was an incredible ending to an incredible series. But it's the ending and something in me doesn't want to let go. For nearly the last decade, Harry Potter and his friends have been a part of my life. They've been my friends. One person I read today rightly said that the reason we read Harry Potter is the escapism of it, and I'm just not ready to stop. The anticipation of this last book was like the anticipation of seeing a loved one you hadn't seen in awhile. I nearly didn't want to finish reading the book because I knew that was it. There will be no more Harry Potter. But I did finish. And I'm so glad I did.
Things I loved:
We finally learned the truth about everything: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, the reason behind it all.
Harry and Ginny.
Neville and Luna. And Neville... wow! What a change! It was awesome.
Harry saved Draco's life. Twice.
Seeing a much more human side to Snape.
Things I didn't love:
Fred. Dobby. Lupin. Tonks. Moody. You know what I'm talking about.
Draco's cowardice.
I may think of more when I reread it, but there really wasn't much in it that I didn't love. It was brilliant - even the horrifying parts. Some people say that although they love these books, they aren't well written. I wholeheartedly disagree. Nothing that was mediocre could draw in this many fans and keep them around for nearly a decade.
Thank you, J.K. Rowling.
Show us your favorite character in the Harry Potter series.
It's so hard to choose a favorite! They're all like family to me, so how do you pick a favorite? But if I have to pick, I'd have to say it's probably Hermione.
It took me 5 hours. :) Now I need to start my reread.
My current favorite song is kind of cheesy...it's from the movie Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I liked the movie a lot more than I thought I would, and absolutely fell in love with this song.
The funny (not ha ha funny, but weird funny) is that while I'm listening to this song over and over again this morning, the Boy (some of you may remember him) is talking to me and just said, "I love you." He says he's tired of holding it in.
*sigh*
In other news, I'm still waiting for HP and the DH to be delivered. I got almost no sleep last night because I stayed up way too late with a friend and woke up early in anticipation of the UPS man knocking on my door. But it hasn't come yet...
It’s nearly here! My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is in transit. According to UPS, it’s already in Commerce City, which is literally a few blocks from my house. I doubt I’ll get it today…they’re so picky about it being delivered on the release date, but hopefully I’ll get it early tomorrow morning!
I almost wish I hadn’t preordered it through the website so that I could go pick it up at midnight tonight. Almost.
What I do wish is that people understood where us diehard fans (okay, I’m not so diehard I’d get in costume) are coming from when we say we don’t want the ending spoiled. A huge part of the fun of reading is actually getting to the end and going through the same processess the characters do in order to get to the conclusion. Skipping to the end is…just plain wrong. You would think that newspapers would understand that. These people are journalism majors and should understand the value of the written word. But no. They New York Times got their hands on a copy that was “mistakenly” sold in a small NYC bookshop and printed a review in yesterday’s paper, a full two days before the release. This morning on the Jesse and Shotgun show on 92.5 The Wolf, they were reading the ending because someone (I can’t remember which newspaper) printed it. Shotgun is as big a fan as I am and left the room. I had to turn it off. I switched to a different morning show and they were doing the same thing! Although they, at least, had the good sense to let their viewers call in first and tell them if they wanted to hear it. Thankfully the large majority said no.
Not only does this violate the contracts set forth by the publisher, it disrespects J.K. Rowling and the millions of fans who want to read the whole book and not have the ending spoiled. It’s bad reporting, people!
I’ll have my copy read by tomorrow night, and then I’ll post my review. But until that book is in my hands, I don’t want to know anything!
No, I haven't gone to South Africa, but a very dear friend of mine has. Actually a few very dear friends of mine have gone. They are part of a missions team with A World Aware and are spending 3 1/2 weeks in South Africa. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive without them that long! Oh I will, I know. It will just be lonely. But these guys are going to be having a fantastic time serving our Lord and loving on the people there. Please, keep them in your prayers. The town they're going to has had the water shut off by the government because it was "needed" elsewhere to mix concrete for a new, expensive, housing development.
