8 posts tagged “relationships”

There's a fine line between desperation and desire. In the past, I've been desperate to leave my singleness behind me. Back then, I would have scoffed at the idea that I was desperate, but looking back, that's exactly what I was. I can remember reading a chick lit novel or watching a chick flick and just bursting into tears at the thought of my romance that never was. I wanted it so badly it hurt. Literally.

But as I've grown up and gotten wiser, I've grown more content with where I am in life. I've learned the hard way that I put my worth in the touch of a man and I shouldn't. I've learned that there are things that I need to do for the kingdom of God that I can better do as a single woman than I could with a man in my life.

Does that mean the desire for a life partner is gone? Absolutely not. That desire is part of who makes me Mandi Kaye. I know without a shadow of a doubt that one day, I will have the family that I long for. But until then, my calling is to do my best for God exactly the way I am.

That being said, I find it completely ironic that I've finally had a man declare his love for me. A man I don't want to be with (mainly because I don't find him to be a man, though he is 25 years old). I finally have the chance to go for the life I've wanted...except I don't want to. At least, not with him. There was a time I would have gladly jumped at the chance to be with him forever, but too much has happened between us in the last year. And I don't want to settle. I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship (which, by the way, is a defining characteristic in the difference between desire and desperation).

At night, my resolve falters because that's when I'm home alone with nothing but a bowl of ice cream and either a good book or the remote. I think to myself, it would be so nice to have someone--anyone--to cuddle with right now. And I'm tempted to call him. But I don't. Because I know that in the morning, I would regret it. I know that I would be using him and leading him to believe he could have something with me that I have no intention of giving him.

So I won't settle. Not even when I desire the kind of companionship that is being offered.

That title certainly got your attention, didn’t it?

So many people believe the common misconception that the point of Christianity is sin. More specifically, they believe that the point of Christianity is to not sin. But that simply isn’t the case.

God isn’t just interested in the covering over of our sins; God wants to make us into the people we were originally created to be. It is not just the removal of what’s being held against us; it is God pulling us into the people he originally had in mind when he made us. This restoration is why Jesus always orients his message around becoming the kind of people who are generous and loving and compassionate. The goal here isn’t simply to not sin. Our purpose is to increase the shalom* in the world, which is why approaches to the Christian faith that deal solely with not sinning always fail. They aim at the wrong thing. It is not about what you don’t so. The point is becoming more and more the kind of people God had in mind when we were first created. (from Velvet Elvis)

*The common meaning of shalom is peace, but it is much more than that. Shalom is the presence of the goodness of God and not just the absence of strife.

You see, sin just isn’t the point. Sin is a byproduct of the fall of man. It was never intended to be the point. But because of the fall of man, sin permeates everything in this world. And God is just dying (no pun intended) to restore the world.

Let’s go back to the beginning - to a garden out in the middle of the Middle East. It was there that life began. God created a man named Adam and told him that his job was to manage the rest of creation. Then God created Eve. Adam and Eve are the only two people in all of the world who have ever had a good and complete relationship with God. After the Fall, we all have a pretty distorted view of God, but Adam and Even walked in the garden with God.

Do you know how Moses described the main characteristic of a person before the Fall? Moses said people before the Fall were naked and weren’t ashamed. I’m not making this up. When he got to the end of chapter 2 of Genesis, the part of the Bible where he described what paradise was like, he concluded his description of paradise by saying Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed. It’s right there in the Bible; you can look it up if you want. (See Genesis 2:25.) (from Searching from God Knows What by Donald Miller)

So what? What does that have to do with Christianity, sin, or anything else? Everything! Did you know that in just about 100 words used to describe Paradise and the Fall, Moses repeated the idea of nakedness with no shame five times. Why so much? For him to have repeated it so many times, he must have wanted the reader to truly understand what he was saying.

The very first thing that happened after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was that they noticed they were naked. And man, I couldn’t stop thinking about it; I couldn’t stop thinking about how whatever happened at the Fall made them aware they were naked. This isn’t “hidden wisdom” in the text. It is the text. It is blatant, and yet I had never heard anybody unpack it before.

And then it all came together. It all became so obvious, it was actually frightening. Moses was explaining all of humanity right there in Genesis chapter 3, and because people were always reading it looking for the formula, they never got it.

Here is what I think Moses was saying: Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God’s love is so pure, that Adam and Eve felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn’t even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly. All of their glory, the glory that came from God, was gone. It wouldn’t be unlike being in love and having somebody love you and then all of a sudden that person is gone, like a kid lost in the store. All of the insecurity rises the instant you realize you are alone. No insecurity was felt when the person who loved you was around, but in his absence, it instantly comes to the surface. In this way, Adam and Eve were naked and weren’t ashamed when God was around, but the second the relationship was broken, they realized it and were ashamed. And that is just the beginning.

If man was wired so that something outside himself told him who he was, and if God’s presence was giving him a feeling of fulfillment, then when that relationship was broken, man would be pining for other people to tell him that he was good, right, okay with the world, and eternally secure. As I wrote earlier, we all compare ourselves to others, and none of our emotions–like jealousy and envy and lust–could exist unless man was wired so that somebody else told him who he was, and that somebody else was gone. (from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller).

You see, getting that relationship back is the point. The whole point of salvation is for God to restore the world into a place of harmony with its maker. Sadly, that point is often missed by today’s Christians (heck, I’ve even missed that point most of my life!). I know some pretty miserable Christians because they focus all of their time on how often they fail God. But sin isn’t the point (I can’t stress that enough).

The point isn’t my failure; it is God’s success in remaking me into the person he originally intended me to be. (from Velvet Elvis).

And originally, Adam and Eve were created naked. Completely secure in who they were and their relationship with God.

And that’s our job: to relentlessly pursue who God has created us to be. That is the point.

What's new with me, you ask? Get ready....

The boy and I decided to give it another go on Thursday. We both missed each other a lot, and I finally realized that I didn't break up with him because God told me to...that was just my excuse. The fact of the matter is that I listened to my friends too much and I got scared. I have trust and intimacy (not THAT kind of intimacy! get your minds out of the gutter!) issues. And we were starting to get close and go into that good relationship place and it freaked me out.

Remember I told you I cried over this? And I never cry. So we'll see where it goes. I got to see him last night and we watched 50 First Dates and Red Dragon. Love the first one. The latter one was weird (but then, what Hannibal Lector movie isn't?)

I'm in a wedding tomorrow. And I'll be wearing a tye-dyed bridesmaid dress. The bride will be wearing a tye-dyed wedding dress. The ushers will be wearing tye-dyed tuxedo t-shirts. The groom? He'll be wearing his dress army uniform. Should make for an interesting ceremony!

How is it that someone who had a nonexistant love life for almost 24 years have such a complicated one so suddenly?

It's not really complicated, I'm just making it that way.

Every day that passes results in me giving just a little bit more of my heart to the Boy. But he and I aren't meant to be. God's already told me no. And He keeps affirming that no. But I don't want to listen. I am so tired of being alone. I want to feel loved. Wanted. Worthy. Is that really so much to ask for?

I keep telling myself that maybe it'll work. He and I can make it work. He really likes me. His heart is really in this. So if we just put forth the effort, we can make it happen. But today I had a very definite revelation from God that this isn't going to work. So I've been sitting here at work, on the verge of tears, for a few hours now.

It can be said that I've done this to myself. If I had just listened to God in the first place, I wouldn't be in this position.

God created me to be a wife and a mother. I know that with every fiber of my being. And every day that I'm not living that life, I feel as if I'm not living up to God's purpose for me. It's as if I'm living in a state of limbo. Waiting. Hoping. Grieving for the life I know I should have but don't.

People tell me that as soon as I become content with my singleness then the right guy will show up. That's a load of crap. I have been content. But then something happens that changes that.

I still think God does this to me on purpose. I know, I know that isn't true. But it sure feels like it.

What a week! I have to say, life is good.

Update #1 - The Boy and I are officially dating again. We're working through my trust issues together. We both really like each other. One thing that he and I need to do is start to pray together about where this is going.

Update #2 - God spoke; I listened. I am not going to be moving. It was a shocking revelation to me when I realized that I don't want to move! I'm happy here. For the first time in my life I am in a place where I feel like I belong. It's an amazing feeling. So now I need to get involved in my church and start actually investing in the lives of those around me.

Update #3 - I turn 24 on Wednesday! Happy Birthday to me!

I'm not really sure what I'm doing. The Boy and I never stopped talking after we broke up. I tried, because I wanted to guard my heart, but it never happened. And we had a "date" today. Sort of. We had lunch and hung out talking all afternoon. It was a nice day. I still really like him and I know he likes me. He wants us to get back together, but I don't trust him. He's hurt me (not really hurt...more like let me down) a couple of times already, and we've never been serious. But he says that now he understands my emotional needs and that he's trying a lot harder to meet those needs. And today it seemed to be true. But I have trust issues. I think I'm going to continue to talk to him and be his friend and hang out with him...but definitely hold off on the whole "dating" thing.

What do you guys think of long distance relationships? Like...8 hours driving time between you. I know I mentioned before that the BF is moving out of state. In my mind, that meant that we were over really before we started. But it turns out that he really wants to try and make it work. He says he's still going to be going back and forth a lot and will still be in town about half the time. My biggest issue, I think, is that I don't completely trust him yet. That right there is enough to raise red flags. But at the same time, we haven't had the time together to work on earning that trust. And that's what he wants to do.

I do want to see where this could go. Whenever I think about calling it quits, I get this nagging voice in the back of my head asking all the "What ifs." I mean, we got a rocky start due to circumstances neither of us could really control. So I want to see what happens if we get on less rocky ground (which may be hard since he's going to gone more than half the time now).

It's just confusing and frustrating!

I have this uncanny ability to sabotage my dating relationships.

It really stinks!

I revealed in the meme I did the other day that I have a new boyfriend. I think this may be the shortest relationship I've ever had! I'm telling you, there's something in my brain that is broken. The switch that stops me from being so insecure is just gone.

When I saw him last, on Thursday, I knew that he really does like me and he really wants to be with me. Then he went camping for the weekend and I didn't even talk to him for three days. Looking back, that's not really such a long time. Especially for a new relationship. But my insecurities got in the way and I began to worry about the possibility that he would forget about me while he was gone or decide that he had made a mistake to begin a relationship with me.

Silly, I know.

So yesterday we got to talk again. And I'm not sure if I'm imagining it due to my broken brain, or if things really are different. Our main form of communication is text messaging (hey, it works for some people). He's started telling me that he's not getting all of my messages. So either my messages just aren't going through to him, or he's ignoring them. If it's the former, okay. If it's the latter, then there's a big problem here.

We were supposed to hang out tonight. It will be the last time we can see each other for the next two weeks because he's going out of town thursday and I'm going out of town the week after he gets back. He hasn't mentioned anything concrete about tonight. I haven't talked to him at all today, so I'm assuming that tonight is out. If I don't see him, that means that more than three weeks will pass between the last time I saw him and the next time we'll be able to see each other.

Is it silly that that bothers me? And that it bothers me that it doesn't seem to bother him?

Honestly I don't know how much of this is just my mind screwing with me and how much of it is really a problem.